what did you do today?
As much as I’m supposed to say “work,” I actually just slacked off today, and only now (at 9.21 pm) am I getting on with my responsibilities! I know that that’s not good to do, but sometimes we all just need a day to ourselves right? I’m very lucky and blessed to be able to work whenever I want as long as I get my work done, and today… it was just one of those days!
Did you think about something or someone you hadn’t in a while?
Actually yes… yesterday was a bit of an emotional day for me because someone that I hadn’t spoken to or heard from in 3 years messaged me! now, the last time I heard from this person, things weren’t so good — to cut things short, he put me in an awkward situation between him and his then-wife as they were going through a legal separation. And I was only 22 back then!
There were so many memories that I had forgotten about (more like intentionally repressed) and it all sort of came to surface again when he messaged me…
Did you have a meaningful interaction with someone (or was it just meaningless zoom faff)?
I immediately called one of my best friends who had been through that whole period of time with me, and she really helped by listening to me. I just needed to get things off my chest and by speaking with her, it was like I was able to play mental ping pong with myself as I came to my own “revelations” about the whole situation and why I was so upset.
Did anything interesting happen?
An interesting thing that happened as I was speaking to her was that I realized that event/situation, was directly related to my current attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors. Because, what I did was, I had swept all of those emotions under the rug and didn’t deal with it as well as I thought. That event alone — or more precisely, the unresolved emotions that I had from that event — could explain some of the “unproductive” or “unhelpful” thoughts that I have now. For example, it’s harder for me to trust people, I tend to always be cautious when meeting new people instead of expecting the best from people, and all these negative feelings/thoughts/behaviors. I mean, I’m a psychologist in training but damn now I know why psychologists always bring up your past! This is it! Unresolved emotions/issues lead to normalized thoughts and behaviors which can typically lead to problematic interpersonal relations.
Did you learn something new about yourself?
Ooooh, you bet I did! I learned that it really is better to face the problem head-on instead of always saying “oh I’m fine,” “yeah everything’s good!” — NO! This “fine” culture that we have is not helpful! If you say you’re fine, you’re not gonna fix anything and the problem will always persist. I’m saying this to myself but I’m gonna write it in 2nd person (to me, from me if you will)… If you’re not fine, just say it. It’ll do you more good than pretending like everything’s okay when it’s not. When you recognize and admit that things are not okay… You’re more likely to do something about it, get to the actual root of the problem, learn and grow from it. That’s how you truly “move forward.” saying you’re fine for pseudo-harmony with yourself and your friends just delays the problems.
How do you feel about lockdown today?
Well, I bet this isn’t the lockdown journal you expected, BUT! Honestly i feel so much better now that I’ve let it out haha. I still have my work to do though :’) Wish me luck!
Additional comments? I hope everyone’s well! as we’re transitioning into a new chapter/new season (i hate the term new normal lol…) I hope that everyone will also reflect the lessons they’ve learned and hopefully in the grand scheme of things, this lockdown will get the human race back to being human KIND ♡ Because we really are all in this together and life just does not seem to be worth living without human relationships!
Lots of love, Kizzy! Also please do check out @lovemeloveyou.id on Instagram for daily inspiration and motivation posts hehe.. #shamelessplug <3